Perfect drag
Author: Gearbox
Description: Gen, 3rd season (in other words, this is Ray Kowalski, not Ray Vecchio).
Written for the due South Lyric Wheel -- check out the lyrics to NIN's "Perfect Drug" at the end of the story.
Disclaimers: Alliance Television owns the characters.
Margaret Ruble picked the song, although I'm pretty sure that this wasn't what she had in mind.
Ray breezed into the bullpen wearing his latest acquisition, a long black duster, somewhat tailored to show off his shoulders and flat stomach. As he passed, a scuffle broke out at Huey's desk, with several women yelling and attempting to slap each other.
"Cuff 'em all, detective." Welsh yelled from the safety of his office door.
Huey and Dewey managed to subdue three of the women, while Ray cuffed the woman nearest him. As he twisted her arms behind her, she kept saying, "Don't chip my nails, don't chip my nails, don't chip. . ." She did, in fact, have remarkably long fingernails, about an inch long, each covered with smooth red polish. All except for one short nail on the pinky of her left hand.
His task done, Ray replied, "What, you just come from a manicure?"
"Why as a matter of fact, yes. I'm a manicurist, my nails are advertising, they are my professional reputation. Nails are my life. And that. . ." she glared at the woman on the far side of the desk, "that puta de gallo is trying to ruin me, she broke my nail, she's been spreading lies about me to the customers, I had to do something about it."
Ray sighed. It looked like he was taking a statement whether he wanted to or not. Although how the battling manicurists had ended up in Major Crimes he couldn't figure. He brought her over to his desk and turned on the computer. "So she was trying to put you out of business. Why's that?"
"Professional envy. Just because I opened half a block away, and did better jobs for less, she wanted to run me out of the neighborhood. I was just protecting my livelihood."
Ray started typing the statement in. "You've had your rights read to you, right? Good. Okay, so what did you do? While you were protecting yourself?" He listened, keeping his un-impressed-cop face on while the woman implicated herself in breaking-and-entering, replacing the sterilizing solution with something that turned out to be a hair conditioner, and spreading cockroach carcasses on the floor in spots most likely to be noticed by customers. "And then she walked into my place and grabbed me and broke my nail, right in front of a customer! Only that polymer undercoating kept it from splitting right up to the nailbed." And that had led to the donnybrook that landed her here.
While Ray finished typing in his account, she went on, "Actually Detective, you could use a manicure yourself. Your cuticles look a little ragged."
"My cuticles are fine."
"You know, a man in your position, with a public image to maintain, should really present himself in a professional and tidy manner --" she stopped mid-sales-pitch.
Ray looked up from his keyboard. "Oh, that's just Fraser. My partner."
"He's so, so . . ."
"Perfect, yeah." Ray went back to typing.
She was ogling Fraser. All the manicurists, most of the women in the room, and some of the men ogled Fraser as he strode across the bullpen, magnificent in dress uniform, Stetson under his arm. He nodded to each of them. "Good afternoon Ray, Ma'am."
"Hey Fraser, show the lady your cuticles while I finish this up, would you?"
Ray paid just enough attention to hear the woman say, breathlessly, "Your cuticles are. . . perfect. Do you use an orange stick?" before tuning the conversation out to finish his typing. When he looked up again, Fraser had that deer-in-the-headlights look, and the manicurist/breaker-and-enterer had changed from a sales pitch to full-out wooing.
Fraser tried to turn the conversation back to law-enforcement, pointing out that two wrongs don't make a right, and that she would have to pay the price for breaking the law.
But she was having none of it. She replied, "Thank you, Officer Fraser. I see the truth when I'm all stupid-eyed."
Stupid-eyed. Yeah, that just about described the way some women threw themselves at Fraser. Ray finally took pity on him. "Fraser, take this over to Huey, would you, while I take Ms. Alberta to Holding."
Of course, that left Fraser heading straight into the enemy territory of the other manicurists, and Ms. Alberta wasn't ready to go without giving Fraser her best shot. "I'm in love with you! The arrow goes straight through my heart, take me with you!"
Ray hauled her to the doorway. She shouted back, "My blood just wants to say hello to you!" and then they were in the hallway and out of sight.
"Geez, I should tack on a harassment charge, behave yourself, will ya?"
"When you see Paradise, wouldn't it be foolish not to try to attain it?"
"He's just a guy. If a guy came on to you like that, would you give him the time of day?"
"It depends on the man, of course. Benton. What an unusual first name. . . where does he live?"
"Sorry lady, I don't give personal details to people charged with felonies. But I can tell you he likes law-abiding citizens better than criminals."
===
"Sorry about that this morning, Fraser. The nail lady, you know." Ray held up his pinkie. They were waiting for gyros at the sub shop before going to question some suspects in an arson case where the accelerant was acetone -- nail polish remover. The cuticle connection was giving Ray a headache.
"It's fine, Ray. She did have a somewhat poetic turn of phrase."
"It's not fine, Frase, that was harassment. I don't know what it is with women, they see you and get, like she said, stupid-eyed. It's like you're some sort of drug, they get high on seeing you so perfect." A few people in line who had been watching Fraser surreptitiously looked away.
"I'm not perfect, Ray, far from it."
"You don't have to tell me, Fraser, I know that. You're annoying, you're sarcastic, you're idealistic at all the wrong times, you take stupid chances, and you're nearly as stubborn as I am. But you're also like what's her name, the woman who paralyzed anyone who looked at her. . ."
"The Medusa?" They moved up in the line, nearly to the counter.
"Yeah, her. You look perfect, and they all stop and stare."
"Ah, Ray, the Medusa was a monster with a visage so horrible that anyone who looked at her turned to stone."
Ray shrugged, "Must've been hell on her social life."
"Yes, I imagine it was."
"And looking perfect isn't much better, for your social life. Being the perfect drug is a perfect drag, isn't it?"
Fraser smiled slightly, "Luckily, I have a friend who sees past my exterior."
Ray grinned and ordered from the counterman, "Two gyros, all the trimmings, a Dr. Pepper for me and milk for my perfect friend here." He pulled out his wallet, "Put your money away, Fraser. I'm buying."
END
Artist: Nine Inch Nails
Album: Non Album Tracks
Song: The Perfect Drug
I got my head but my head is unraveling
can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you reaching back and shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
You are the perfect drug the perfect drug
the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You make me hard when I'm all soft inside
I see the truth when I'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood just wants to say hello to you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
and I want you
you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug
take me with you
without you everything just alls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
^P or head back to the index